tHe wEiRd dReAm!!!

They say opportunity once lost does not come back. I agree to this to a very small extent. I could have easily disagreed to it completely, hadn't that anomalous incidence happened. Like any other normal day I had some Snacks in the evening then sufficient dinner and milk later in the night ( i dint booze those dayzz) to catch some nice sleep. I went to my room and hit the sack hard at around 10:30. I could have never imagined in my wildest of the nightmares as to what a bizarre dream i would get.
Playing cricket with my friends was always a great time pass. We all got together for the match against our juniors. For some reasons I could not bat well as I was not able to hit the ball as I normally did. Something was fishy out there. The bat seemed so heavy and everything was going in slow motion. Anyways the other mates played well and we won comprehensively. Later I went to my friends place (my first crush ;-)). Though the truth was I wanted to meet her and talk to her. But as always I could say nothing. It was always a wonderful feeling seeing her. I still remember that moment. I rang the bell and was feeling so uncomfortable standing outside her home, looking at what i was wearing, how was i looking n all that shit. She came out of her home. She was wearing this loose t-shirt and a skirt. Her glowing cute face was just ultra mesmerizing. Her pink white little lips looked as soft as rose petal and when she gently did that lil push to keep her hairs off her face, that was it, a perfect icing on the cake. Her face expressions were js so unavoidable, especially when she smiled. I hardly cared for what she spoke, as for me the ears would stop working whenever she was there. In fact the only thing that worked then, were my eyes. After some blah blah blah...(js to stay longer) i asked her sm books and as always I came back home empty handed js with the books to make the whole thing look unfishy. I tried studying (her books only even though I had the ones of better authors ;-)) for some time and later on succumbed to the temptation of kissing them and I did make sure no one was watching ;-). It was later in the evening when that scary and wonderful thing happened. I went outside started the scooter to get something to eat, I realized my stomach was already full. I felt I had eaten something already. My memory ran back……......
Snacks………….dinner………………milk…………………..sleep………..and…!!!????

What the Fuck!! I was just sleeping!! How come I am here outside on my scooter? I slept in my room. It scared the hell out of me when I finally realized that I was seeing myself doing all the stuff starting from cricket match, meeting my first crush, the book borrowing, studying etc. It was all in the dream. Then came the next question. What do I do now? How do I wake up? How do I go back now? I have to wake up some how". I was so scared and started thinking out on various options. Suddenly I thought if I can go back to the same room, sleep for some time and wake up, I might wake up from this dream. It was a doubtful idea but I tried and it worked. Finally I got up, saw myself alone in my room. It was 6 AM in the morning. I was sweating heavily and looked horrified. I went out and looked at my scooter. I was there, just few seconds before, in my dream. I looked at the sky and wondered whether it was lucky or unlucky to wake up. Lucky, because I was back finally in the real world and unlucky, because of what all I could have done in that dream which I didn’t do. I could have asked her for a drive. I could have probably asked for a kiss also without any fear since it was a dream. . I could have gone to my favorite teacher’s place and told her that I really liked her. I could have……..Ahhhh MAN!! The question is what i cud not have done??? Everything was left undone. No doubt the strange dream was over, but I was regretting the fact that it was gone. I thought why the smart part of my brain acted so stupid.
Even today that dream is as fresh as ever in my mind. Though with the changed times, I no longer regret the lOsT oPpOrTuNiTy as it actually gave me a reason to write smthng!!!

iS iT aLl taT bAd ???

People get wiser with age. Tats what I heard while I grew up and I believed this statement. In fact I was absolutely convinced about it. Though I am sure you would be more convinced if somebody tells you that NDTV Imagine and Rakhi sawant are planning for a sequel of “rakhi sawant ka swayamvar” (apologies to her first husband, Elaish par-jaane-wala or mar-jaane-wala or whatever ).

But lately I realized that getting wise with age is not the case with me and actually it’s just the opposite. I mean I sat one day and looked back the way I have been, I realized that I was more sincere and diligent, I used to study harder, I had lesser bad habits, I was more homely, I even abused lesser, I used to hurt lesser people, though never did it intentionally, I noticed lesser girls and that too only when they wore this flamboyant transparent dresses which actually caused my little eyes to become bigger n wider, I watched lesser porn ( I had my sources;-) ), I never boozed which I do occasionally now, never smoked (Don’t worry my well wishers n my frns, I js did it for ‘Tashan’, I wont become habitual, I swear!!), I was more sure of myself and there were hell lot of other things in which I think I was ‘better’.

Now if u are a normal person reading this and you have your brains intact then there’s a high probability that you would agree with me that most of us develop better habits with age and people do get wiser as they grow old. But I don’t clearly understand what’s wrong with me. My situation reminds me of the movie called The Curious Case of Benjamin Button starring Brad Pitt which was based on reverse ageing. Though my situation is little different from Brad Pitt (in fact it's veryyy different....sun rahi ho angelina!! sirf tumhari wajah se...) , who was born as an old man and died as a child in the movie, but it seems more serious to me because, SHIT MAN!! I don’t wanna die being called as an Unwise-Filthy-Reckless-Wasteful piece of shit.

The most disturbing out of all the wrong stuff that really drives me crazy is the “CONFUSION” aspect of my life that has got attached to me like a key is to lock . In fact of all the past relationships I had, the one which has survived successfully against all the odds, is the relationship between me and my confusion. We two are Hell of a companions. We never have to try and make our relationship work. It just works for us. Sounds funny, right??? It actually would not have if u were in my place n I was in urs, and I wud have been laughing at u, making those I-AM-BETTER-THAN-YOU-CONFUSED-LOSER gestures at you n destroying all the deep hidden traces of ego and self respect in ur dumb head (now u laugh!!!).

I was saying it’s not funny at all. I’ll try to explain.

Have u ever been in a situation when you have your final exam of some course the next day ( not when u were in ur 6^th, 8^th or even 12^th grade but when u r pursuing a fucking MS degree) and u have studied nothing and the previous night you feel kinda confused whether u should open the book or js go to sleep….??????

Or like someday you are having a booze party and you and your friends are all excited about drinking the romanov’s , the royal stags, the jack daniels etc. and after taking 5-6 shots u feel kinda confused about whether u shud call ur best friend or one f ur old gal friend….??????

Or if that does not go into ur dumb head , have you ever been in a situation when after watching a nice romantic movie with hot n steamy scenes in between and a sad ending, and there u go, the uncertainty entrapping you again n you feel kinda confused about whether you should go n jack off, thinking of the various mysterious curves of the woman in the movie or u should just appreciate the sad ending….?????

I mean this mental state of mine really pisses me off some times but at times I kinda like it though when I see people around me who are so sure of themselves in whatever they are doing but still not satisfied with anything in their lives. It is then when I actually luv to feel that there’s nothing wrong in being little wrong sometimes. Anyways who cares. I mean I can’t afford to care otherwise ill have another thing to keep me confused. So before I confuse u guys more, lemme put a ‘sure’ shot full stop to this weird post so that I can have my dinner and later watch a Tom hanks movie…………or may be I wud watch some Jim carrey’s?? Hmmm....I’ll go figure out…………………

tHe rEaL hErO!!!

nO rEaSoNs!!!

I never asked from you ....your precious time and personal space .....

I never asked from you ....your kind attention and expensive gifts .....

I never asked from you .... to be there for me in all the seasons.....

All I asked from you ....was to "lUv" me alwayz for no reasons.....

I never wanted you .... to take my words so wrong....

I never wanted you .... to misunderstand my honest feelings....

I never wanted you .... to feel the unnecessary burden of my expectations....

All I wanted from you .... was to "lUv" me alwayz for no reasons.....

I never felt .... that i wud blame anyone for my pains.....

I never felt .... that some one wud break my trust so easily.....

I never felt .... that life wud be so complicated in my visions.....

All I felt .... that there was someone who wud "lUv" me alwayz for no reasons.....

I never expected .... that my luv will alwayz be far away from me....

I never expected .... the number of changes i would go thru with time....

But inspite of all those changes .... I still have the same old feelings....

and even today all I expect from some one .... is to "lUv" me alwayz for no reasons....

mY FiRsT eVeR sKeTcH!!!

Can't make out what it is?? Scroll down the side bar to have a look at what exactly it is.........

rAnDom tHougHtS !!!

----After stepping inside the classroom, I loose it all...the brains..the motivation...the knowledge...the confidence n evrythng else i can think of. After all the embarrassment as i step out of the classroom and start for home i begin regaining all of what i had lost and till i reach home after twenty odd minutes after walking past the Burnet Woods..the beautiful lake etc. , i have it all back with me once again...every bit of it. The gud part is that it keeps me ticking for the rest of my day and the night. The sad part is that when the next morning i go n step inside the classroom, the process starts all over again....it is then i realise......LiFe iS nOt sO easY!!!!

-----Every individual can visualise some sort of vague...incomplete..or a part of the picture of his life; the life he has lived/living/will be living.....This imaginary picture is quite unidentifiable. We all keep trying to figure out how it exacly looks like and feel frustrated at times for not being able to see the whole of it. I believe for every such part of a picture, there exist the other complementary part of it which is in absolute conformance with it without any discontinuities. Sometimes we think we have it in front of us and try to go for it to match with our own incomplete picture but soon we realise the mirage of it. When any individual who is lucky enough sees the real and true complementary part of the picture, it is then he holds the two n as he joins dem together, a string in his heart is pulled...he closes his eyes and instead of js thinking, starts feeling the winds around...the rains...the silence...and the freshness n the fragrance of the whole nature and then instead of mouth, his heart speaks out.....
yEs tHiS is tHe piCtUrE!!!! tHiS is mY lIfE................

sOmE oNe wRoTe iT !!!

The following story is written by some one other than me (for a change ;-) )...I js happened to read this story sm 4-5 years back, the story i cud relate myself to...Had nthn else to write...so sharing ths wonderful story with u all....

He was a much older man and married. But this did'nt stand in the way of his love 4 me. I was by far the most important person in his life. or so i loved to think. He always had time 4 me. I was his special gal , his gem. Not once in all the years i knew him did he ever say he was too busy 4 me. He was always there and 4 years he was the most important person in my life. Even now i can see him sitting on his favorite stool on the verandah of his house. He sat there waitin 4 me to come to him and i always went, knowin he would be there, waitin. Knowin that all other things and ppl would fade as i sat on th floor besides him, ready to drink in his words, his stories, and his dreams____which were mostly his dreams of wat he wished 4 me. Now as i look back i don know wen i first became aware of him but i certainly know how th relationship started____ he told me abt. it several times. It was one of those love _at _first _sight stuff, though i doubt that i really noticed him that first time. But later i did notice him: I had to as events outside our control threw us together in such a way that there was no way i could have ignored him. not that wanted to. He loomed large in my life and everythin and every1 else , faded in the background. I may not recall how it really started , but i do remember the many hours we spent together on many a moonlit night. th stories he told and th things he said during those nights have been my rock these past years. but recently too i have begun to notice just how much im actin like him.

The other day i was fryin chicken to use 4 stew. Durin the preparation bits and pieces of th meat kept endin up in my mouth. later , after i had finished cookin and cleaned up , i wondered wy i was feelin full' even though i have not eaten all day'. a voice____it must have been th chicken___whispered in my ears,"yeah right, u have not eaten all day!" I burst out laughin as i recalled wat he used to do. Wen he had somethin to share___meat , 4 instance __ he would cut of a bit and put in his mouth before givin to whoever it was meant 4. He did that with each portion he gave out. later he would say , "Can u believe wat i jus did, i shared it all without anythin 4 myself!" his wife and i would look at each other and hide a smile. Oh yes his wife and i were on good terms , but thats another story. The memories of this man do not jus center around food, not that it would be totally out of place. mealtimes were our best tmes and it was not jus th food. my entire life___with its twists and turns, its joys and frustrations, warts and all___daily reminds me of him. Im th woman im coz he loved me, and moulded me in his own image. He spent most of th time we knew each other introductin me to th world he said would 1 day be mine. and today im wat im coz 1 man loved me, believed in me, and gave me a dream to pursue. with his words he opend up a new world 4 me___1 that was beyond my imagination. Education featured on his long list of dreams for me. It was somethin that was important to him. Once i asked wy th moon always seemed to be goin somewhere. " It does not really go anywhere, it only appears so." i sighed ." I wish it travels coz then i can travel with it wherever it is goin." " Listen to me , u dont need th moon to travel to th ends of th earth . If u want to go to th ends of th earth , u will go. Infact if u want to go to th moon itself, u will,get there. Jus study hard in school." "Really u mean i can go to th moon?"" Yes u can. ppl who r not intelligent as u r have gone to th moon." wow! Now that was somethin to dream about. I owe my life to this one man who truly and deeply loved me. in a way , he gave life to me and sustained it. He also gave me words that i have lived by these past years. This gr8 man went on to glory before i cud adequately thank him; before his dreams 4 me wud come to actualisation. But i hope that as he looks at me today from heaven , he is pleased with wat he sees. I have not yet gone to th moon ( and i doubt that its still my dream). I have not gone to ,"All th schools that there r to go" and become an expert , but im workin on it. my life is still a work_in _progress, and by god's grace , this man's dreams and prayers 4 my life will come true .

Thank u Dad !

tHe jOuRnEy aCtUalLy sTaRtS!!!

The day is 4th of September and its 8:45 AM and guess what!! I am sitting in British Airways Air bus. Ya even I can’t believe it has happened. The pilot just announced a delay coz of some problem. OH! The plane is speeding up …I’ll be back…

MAN!! This fucking big thing has taken off. Some take-off it was. Soon I’ll be some 10000 meters above the sea level. Bobby bhai and papa came to see me off for my first international flight. Dad gave me a tight hug as he did few times before. I was lil emotional but didn’t show anythn and never crossed the barrier. U’ll cum to know abt the kinda barrier im talking about later. After some usual formalities I checked in my luggage and went and sat at the waiting area. Looking at ppl , sm Indians , sm Spanish, sm british and some I cud nt make out. Weird species Human Beings are!!! I noticed them and wondered how tough it is for sm of them to leave their home places, their loved ones and go away. The situation was no different for me. There is very thin line between being strong and facing evrything and being weak and js letting the emotions control you. I found out that the only way to stay calm, happy and normal is to stop thinking about ur loved ones and forget them for the time being coz if u dont do that u have a very low chance to survive away. I realize that ppl who fall into prey of emotions will never be able to stay away from their loved ones and will never be able to make it and ppl who are practical enuf for that particular time, that particular moment; will be the ones that ll be able to stay happily and successfully.. I feel that ppl in the first category njy a soft corner most f the times from most f the ppl and the ones in the latter category are the ppl who end up hearing It- was-expected-from-you-to-forget-us types stuff. What I chose was to b in the second category. Coz I know if I had chosen the other way around I wud have been sitting at home doing nothing, hmmmm…. sleeping probably.

Such thoughts kept cuming to my mind at the airport and js before my flight I met two mates. We all checked in and finally boarded the plane.

More on the journey later….

It’s around 3-4 hours of flight and the touch screen TV in front of me tells me that we have crossed Afghanistan safely. Thank God Mr. Osama dint see us ;-). Now im kinda getting bored. The girl on my left has finally slept after movin here n there and the guy on my right has not woken up yet since the take off. The fucking channels are not working properly and I guess without troubling the co-passengers I shud switch off the light. Oh the girl looks cute while sleeping. Well every gal looks the same while sleepin ( cuz tats the only time they are silent ;-) ). Oh shes waking up. I hope she dint see what I am writin.

More to cum….

It has been 5-6 hours now and m flyin over Russia near Moscow. Well that reminds me f some P* Russian movie….Hmmm can’t recall the name…who does?? ;-) ;-)

Will be back….

Its around 2’0 clock (London time) in the afternoon. The flight landed here at Heathrow airport at around 1:15. The cold zephyrs of London greeted me as soon as came out of the plane. I felt the freshness of the air when it touched my face. It was a wonderful feeling. Well I have checked in for my next flight and sitting smwhere among the big crowds. The airport is so big that it seems as if I am on a different planet altogether. I have to spend some 4-5 hrs here. It feels a lil odd with all britishers around you. Especially since im all alone so im like lil nervous., but koi chakkar ni….lets njy London….;-)

It has been around 2 more hrs now and I am still wandering here n there. Apart from tryn some awesome perfumes ranging from Gucci to Dolce n Gabana, im like stunned looking at the Indian beauties working here at the airport. I know what u all will think. Why the hell I am looking at Indian chicks in London instead of sm white beauties. But believe me guys the Indian chicks over here are hot like HELL!! MAN! Would you believe the girl cleaning wth a fuckn wiper in frnt f me is as hot as the hottest gal u wud hv seen in ur college days. Well I don’t gv a flying fuck to what u all thnk. All I am thinkn rite now is to go n ask the gal as to why is she doing all ths ;-( I guess im exaggerating my emotions (yet again)coz I hv nthn else to do. I m gettn headache and My legs are paining too much to walk and roam around…

More to cum...

Finally in British Airways again…ready to fly to Chicago….

From past one and haf hr I am flyn over Atlantic ocean. The rest f the journey is gonna be the same. The Still three more hrs before I reach Chicago. After watching the movie my headache has gone into higher gears now. Need to catch sm sleep….

Will be bak….

WOW!! Im in Chicago. Was lil nervous in the flight regarding the immigration and custom thng but all done now and im ready to board American Airways to Cincinnati -- My Final Destination. The plane is quite small. Actually it is smaller (in breadth) than our roadways buses in India. In few more minutes ill reach Cincinnati.

Will write bak after reachin…

Finally after 25 odd hrs of travelling, beating the speed of the earth, Im in Cincinnati on the same day I started. I am at Utkarsh’s frnd’s place. Its 2:30 A.M local time. I am lying on the bed, feeling gr8 abt the fact that I hv reached US finally. The passion is at the peak. I just wanna thank God for everything and thank everyone who has helped me in one way or the other to make this happen. Lets see how I start my journey in United States Of America..mY nEw hOmE !!!!!

mAiN nIkAl cHaLa !!!

The time left now can be counted on fingers. The little struggle for the past two years is over and finally I am ready to fly off. In the last six years or so I have made many friends n I have lost few too. I am a kinda person who will always have luv and respect for the later ones who smhow went their own ways n cud not handle me (or may be I could not handle them), but then lately I have developed this lil ego in me which stops me from crying over the past. I have stopped being May-be-its-my-fault types guy and have learnt to blame others if they really are at fault. I have got no grudges against anyone and I thank dem all from the bottom of my heart for the gud times they have shared with me and wish all of dem the very best in evrythng they do.

Now cuming to what I actually wanted to write. In the last many years I have seen tough times to the extremes and I have tasted some success too. But now I just wanna cum out of this shell and live the way I want to, without attaching myself to these irrelevant things like “Failure” and “Success”. I wanna feel free of everything that confines me within itself. It has been some time now since I have not been able to identify whether its my brains that decides for me or its my heart. I am actually happy about it and I just wanna go with this flow cuz that is what has actually worked for me.

There is this passion inside me now and i can hear the voice withn telling me to move on. I know the journey ahead is not gonna be easy but I am ready to push myself to the limits cuz I-ME-MYSELF have made this choice. Finally I feel my life has been mysteriously planned by someone other than me, accompanied by confused vision and spontaneous actions and to try and unravel this mystery…..main nikal chala……;-)

mY vIsA eXpErIeNcE!!!

It was 30th july, my Visa interview date. I was at my mamaji’s place . My interview time slot was 10:30 A.M. Considering the Delhi traffic, we left the home at 8. We reached the embassy at 9:15. MAN!! The area was really gud. Lot of greenery n beautiful embassy buildings. I saw few embassies like Myanmar, Italy, Switzerland etc. The US embassy was exactly opposite to swiss embassy. The funniest part was that all the ambassies were totally vacant and seemed out of business ;-) but there was heavy rush at the US embassy. Without any surprises one could see the whole Punjab out there. I wont be surprised if in few more years USA will be called USP. I saw some nice chicks there and mamaji started making a pass at me. Finally after joking around with mamaji and my cousin, I went inside. After initial security check up I was allowed to go inside where I got my ticket and counter number. I went further inside and entered a big hall. I saw some 100’s of people sitting on one side and interviewers on the other side of the hall inside the windows. I went through the finger scanning and then joined the bunch of people. The ticket numbers were being displayed on the counters and I was waiting for mine. My ticket number was P63 and I could see P48 and P49 already being interviewed. From where we were sitting the interviews could be heard. Some people were trying their ass off to convince the interviewers. Most of them were like – “I will come back…I will come back.” The whole scene was so funny at times. Some ladies were creating scenes while convincing the interviewers. They forgot that it's little different from convincing their pappu's and munu's for milk. Unluckily there were quite a few rejections out there that day. After some half an hour I saw my number being displayed on one window. Bloooodddy Hell !!! It was the same counter I was constantly looking at and had witnessed only rejections. I stood up and went there. The girl in front of me was ready to leave with a rejected visa. I had heard most of her interview and could not think of any damn reason why her visa was rejected. May be I was taken away by her beauty ;-). I came to the window and this is how my interview went:
Me: Good Morning Sir.
VO(Visa Officer): No response. I was like “ chalo ji. Ho gaya F**K. challiye ghar nu.” Just then he replied. "Show me your documents.”
Me: Yes Sir and passed my documents.
VO: Which universities have you applied to?
Me: I thought of telling him "tu vichon ki laina". But then Told him.
VO: Why are you going to University of Cincinnati?
Me: "meri marzi, main kahin bhi jaaon". just kidding, I told him the relevant reason.
VO: What kind of a scholarship is this UGS (it was mentioned in my I-20)
Me: Sir it’s University Grant Scholarship ( which you never got in your time ;-) )
VO: What is your sponsor doing?
Me: Blah Blah!!
VO: Ok, You will have your visa within a week.
Me: Thank you very much Sir. Have a gr8 day.
VO: No response
Me: Ran away ;--)